Like perhaps all of humanity, I have experienced many things in life. Some of which is wonderful and exciting, and good. But if I had to name the emotion that most influenced me as a child, it would be FEAR.
Fearing all the challenges faced by adults, as well as the ridicule and bullying of others, I used to wish to be held back in school so that I would not have to deal with growing up. How could everyone else be so confident? When I was young and afraid I would never succeed at life, a part of me wished I was physically handicapped so that I would have an excuse not to try.
I had crushes on pretty girls, one even kissed me several times when I was five, but none had wanted to be my girlfriend. When I thought nobody would ever want to marry me, or even be with me physically, I wanted to become fat and unattractive so that nobody would be surprised that I was alone. I told myself that I wanted to be alone anyway. Who needs other people? They usually just hurt you and make you feel stupid, incompetent and unwanted anyway.
I'd like to say that I totally grew out of this, and my life is now perfect. I am rich and successful. I have unlimited confidence, and always know that, as an old Saturday Night Live character used to proclaim, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and, gosh darn it, people like me!" I'd like to, but it would be a lie. The truth is, life still has many ups and downs. I am now 49 years old, married for more than twenty-seven years, with two kids. Sometimes my wife and kids bring me great joy. Sometimes they think I'm stupid and embarrassing, and make me feel like I don't matter at all. As I look toward the future, I don't know where I will be or what I will do, or even if I will succeed. But it's okay. There is ugliness and pain, but also beauty and joy all around me. I love living this crazy, incredible life.
What are some things that make you afraid?
Comments (78)
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and, gosh darn it, people like me!"
Keep up that attitude and you can become whatever you want . . . maybe even a U.S. senator.
In my faith heritage, there is a single idea that is repeated in sacred texts more often than any other concept. I once counted 173 instances of this being stated, although a friend of mine said he once found over 200.
Know what it is?
"Fear not . . . Have no fear . . . be ye not afraid . .. Do not fear . . . "
Ah! The roller coaster of life can certainly be a scary ride at times. I have found (and I'm hittin' fifty this year), that fear is not in the way as it use to be. I guess I'm finally getting over the road blocks that use to hold me back. Let's look forward to the down hill run. Wheeeeeee! (pats heart and points to you)
i am a blogging retard, i swear i am. on many occasions i have read someone's site for a while thinking they were one gender just to find out they're the other. i guess it was your pink background and the fact that i never slow down and take the time to read someone's profile.
surprise is on me.
Very inspirational! :]
Living is worthwhile every single second, isn't it?
Congratulations.
I like it when people figure stuff out about themselves and their lives.
*HUGS*
"Sometimes they think I'm stupid and embarrassing, and make me feel like I don't matter at all."
wow really?
I'm scared of life...desperately.
Loneliness, failure... people, China (hahaha), dumb people, God
dang, I wasn't aware of the fact that I am such a scaredy cat.
I'm afraid of romantic love...probably because I'm much more familiar with logic and romantic love seems illogical. I'm afraid that I will dissapoint the ones who love me especially those who have sacrifed to make my life better. I'm afraid that my mistakes may somehow hurt the children that God has for some inexplicable reason placed in my care. I refuse to let fear control me though... so I tend to run right at whatever frightens me.
I am afraid of lots of things right now. but fear is part of life at times you just have to get past it.
"I love living in this crazy, incredible life."
I couldn't agree more!
I've been afraid of many things in the past...rejection, illness, world issues to name a few. I'm not saying I've overcome my fears, just put them into perspective. Life has a lot more good in it than bad, and I choose to focus on the good, which helps me deal with my fears.
Nicely written! I suffer from panic disorder, so I avoid social interaction, public transportation, movies....etc. Now I fear what the future may bring to our country. I don't think we are on the right path.
I'm afriad of relationships.
Growing up I had a similar problem. Whenever I failed at something I was scared to do it again. Something else that I feel didn't help me when I was a kid was the whole "don't talk to strangers" thing that most parents teach their kids. It's in good wishes and all, but I think because of that conditioning I was always scared to approach or meet new people when I was much younger until I eventually grew out of it. I think a lot of fear comes from conditioning, but that's me, that's a pretty logical explanation.
Also, I recommend you read Maxwell Maltz's Psycho-Cybernetics. It's a really enlightening read.
@Emperor_King_G - I agree with much of what you say. The whole "don't talk to strangers" thing was very misguided. After all, when you're little, almost everyone is a stranger; that makes it a very scary world!
I think I'm afraid to graduate. haha. That's one of my goals, but it's also scary because that means that I'll be out in the world, no longer hiding behind school, interacting with professionals, and putting myself out there for all the ridicule. I'm half looking forward to putting my knowledge to use and half scared to do it.
@JupitersDays - That's exactly how I felt. I'm now a 46-year-old who had become somewhat comfortable in a job after work in that field for over 20 years. I'm unemployed and searching for a new line of work, and I still feel half-excited and half-terrified when I'm starting something new!
@lonelywanderer2 - hee hee. Most people fear change. I think that's what our feelings are. A fear of change and the unknown. ^_~
I'm sorry for your hurts but glad for your contentment. Everyone has fears. The key is to over come them live :)
@WintersWitch - Thank you for your kind thoughts!
Fear can be an overwhelming emotion, and can easily lead to one's destruction. So many are afraid to face their fears, and thus the fear grows out of control. It's always wonderful to hear when there are those who have learned to overcome their fears, press on, and love life again.
When I was a young kid, I was terrified I was going to hell. Not sure where that came from, my parents were religious at all.
Now that I'm older, I'm terrified of something happening to my husband and children.