March 28, 2013
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Love and Support People Without Judging Them
In my time on Xanga, I have met so many girls, or adult women, who are absolutely beautiful, amazingly creative and intelligent, and seem to love people and life in general. Yet they post about how they feel ugly, stupid, or like total failures. This probably is just as common in men, but I as a heterosexual man notice it more in females. They say they can’t find anyone that truly loves them. Why is this? I know we are all subject to insecurity & Depression. I go through it myself, quite often. I wish I had some magical words of wisdom here, but I don’t. How is it that beautiful, intelligent people who know they are very popular still don’t believe that they are worthy of being loved by others?
One problem that seems related to Insecurity and Depression is Anorexia, which is often accompanied by its evil sister Bulimia. Anorexics always feel they are fat and need to lose weight, eating as little as possible, and often obsessed with and compelled to exercise. Bulimics will occasionally binge on food, but then make themselves throw up, and/or abuse laxatives to “cleanse” their bodies of the hated calories. Some run “Thinspo or Thinspiration” sites, where they post pictures of thin, sometimes “scary skinny” girls. I do not encourage anyone to do anything unhealthy, nor condone that being done. Having said that, I do NOT think Thinspo or Thinspiration sites should be banned, any more than those who post about wanting to cut, abuse drugs or alcohol, or commit other acts of self-injury. Here’s why: It is a known fact that those suffering from Depression, including those with eating disorders of all kinds, have low self-esteem. Not only do prople with these problems already feel isolated, they sometimes purposely isolate themselves, especially when they feel those around them are judging them. I feel banning their contact through the internet would only serve to further isolate them, and not let them reach out in those times when they are scared of harming themselves, and need friends the most. No person should be defined by an addiction or an illness, including eating disorders. They have hopes and dreams just like the rest of us!I have had friends pulse that they wanted to cut or overdose. I let them know I was here for them. We chatted about everything, or just made small talk, and they seemed to feel better. When I criticized myself for doing most of the talking, one friend said, “Who cares? I’m not cutting myself right now”.
Please make sure you tell the people in your life how much you love them, and praise them for all of their wonderful qualities. Let them know you want them to be happy and healthy, but that they can ALWAYS come to you, and you will talk with them honestly, and listen to them without judging.
If You Ever Are Truly In Crisis and Need Me…
To all of my friends and subscribers, I LOVE YOU!!! You lift my spirits when I am down, by sharing your thoughts and feelings, by telling me stories, and with your photos and artwork! THANK YOU!!!
Comments (124)
Women no matter how beautiful (on the inside or out) are constantly being scrutinized for what they do or how they look. Media, culture, and past experiences are three big proponents in promoting this insecurity (at least in America).
Not only that but us women are constantly critiquing ourselves for how we look and act. If we are rejected by someone (even for the most simple no) we can easily take it personally. There is a lot of pressure from all sides to be a particular way to be the “perfect” woman. It’s a viscious cycle.
Also, sometimes no matter how much smarts or beauty a woman has we still feel a void like something is missing. No matter how many people surround us we may still feel that the connections we have with them are shallow. No one knows the real us, the deep down nitty gritty…because we don’t let them for fear of being even more scrutinized.
@kattshorty - Thank you for sharing this. It helps me understand better.
There is a girl at school that literally just makes me want to die.
She is absolutely perfect – gorgeous, well off, amazing friends, absolutely beautiful, 4.0 GPA, very popular, down right stunning, and has an amazing singing voice. Even her laugh is amazing. And she is beautiful.
It’s so bad, that I kept close tabs on her most recent relationship, because the only thing I had that she didn’t was a boyfriend. I rejoiced when they broke up. Yeah, I’m that evil.
There’s always somebody out there that makes a girl feel unworthy to even be alive. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now, and even though I feel like I do have somebody who truly loves me, I don’t feel like I deserve his love, especially in comparison to this other girl, who also happens to be close friends with my boyfriend.
Insecure? You bet.
Jealous? Absolutely.
But you grow to accept as the way things are. And the way things are, you just don’t always compare to who you want to be.
@xSafety_x_Pinned_x_Heartx - I know, and it still breaks my heart. My wife and I, neither of us are perfect. We both spent our young lives thinking we are completely inferior. Yet we each know we are lucky the other thinks we’re just the best thing ever (usually, when we’re not wanting to kill each other-lol).
@lonelywanderer2 - Haha, I know how you feel.
It’s the best feeling in the world when you know someone loves you more than you love yourself sometimes.
That’s kind of like my most recent post, but it’s mostly me just saying the things that have been on my chest. Gushy stuff.
:]
It sounds like there is something incomplete in them. They may be open to a relationship but they don’t sound ready merely latching on to a deficiency they may have. It could be financial or otherwise.
I know I for one just always feel silly receiving compliments from people, even my boyfriend… I have trouble believing that what he’s saying about me is true… I think it’s a trust issue; I don’t trust people or their words very easily, and thus, there’s no way I could ever believe the compliment was true. It also doesn’t help when I have people on the flip-side, constantly pointing out my flaws, even more than I do on my own…
And the whole compliment thing just goes along with not being able to think I’m worthy of being loved, entirely. If I can’t trust compliments, I also can’t believe that someone actually could love me enough, because I don’t feel good about myself, and…
I’m rambling. Yikes.
I think deep down they hope they are worthy but for some reason they have been burned by someone who they thought loved them unconditionally. While the burns heal, the scars remain. They’re the constant reminder that “love” hurt them…and there MUST be a reason why. Often self blame seems to be the only explanation even if it isn’t practical.
Physically, sometimes they may have a pretty face, a cute figure, but may have massive scars, stretchmarks, etc. Who knows? Women tend to see their flaws much easier than men do.
The media says we are too fat, too out of shape, too smart (and men won’t like us for brains), blah, blah, blah. There is a myth out there that women can not only “do it all” and “have it all”, but easily and with time to spare. But we come up short every time. No wonder we’re depressed.
Well, I feel the same like you as well. Perhaps this is the escapism from real life.
well you will have to read my post in the morning…maybe that will help explain some.
@MisFishie - I will look forward to it. Please message me the link lest I miss it.
desertrose and i just talked about this last night — our body issues and how it hinders us to fully love ourselves. these are the very same question we ask ourselves — we are intelligent, educated, loving and we have keen social awareness and yet we cannot go pass our own insecurities.
society in general makes it hard for women to love themselves with all the superficiality of media and social conventions of beauty. i guess we women should learn to harness our inner beauty and strength. those things that are ageless.
nice post
@kattshorty - I agree with you Kat. I feel the same way.
@lonelywanderer2 - ok
<3!!!
Great topic. I must admit in honesty sometimes I go through periods where I feel pretty bad–whether it’s physically ugly or just not smart enough. I think the world is pretty tough on women so no matter how far you go or how beautiful people think you are–it’s hard to know where you stand sometimes. I used to be a lot harder on myself a decade ago when I was a lot younger and impressionable, but I have grown into my skin and feel a lot more confident these days. My husband thinks I’m amazing (which I think is an exaggeration sometimes), but it’s nice to know that he loves me despite the fact I am NOT perfect =) It’s hard to realize those things when you are young and the world seems to be criticial of everything.
@SerenaDante - Hey you; saw the post in tribute to you by MyxlDove; you are one of the best.
@lonelywanderer2 - Aww, thanks! You’re too sweet =)
Love u 2!!! I think it’s about needing another to validate and be proud of you, and accept you, and love you…..once we realize it is only being true to ourselves and that until we take care of ourselves we’re no good to any of our friends or our lover.,
We’ll talk about everything but how we can be happy as individuals. We spend most of our time looking out foir others b/c we do love life and people. Putting yourself first is not a lesson Western Society teaches women or men. You guys are supposed to be providers essentially and us the nurturers. Great post,
Keri
I ask myself the same question all the time. I can go from being wonderfully happy to curled up in a ball crying several times in one day. I know I am attractive, but it doesnt seem to make much difference because no one really notices my attractiveness so then i start to think well maybe im just not that attractive. Or maybe Im attractive and have a horrible personality so no one wants to talk to me. Its like my brain is torn in two, one half is thinking im attractive, smart, funny and really a great person while the other half is thinking yeah, but no one cares so you must really be pretty rubbish. So im trying to be happy, and im trying just to enjoy my life and do all the things I want to do. But Im really more then a little bit lost.
“They say they can’t find anyone that truly loves them.”
We think we know what love is . . . but it’s never in the places or packages we look for it in.
Love may be what we all need. But only a few of us know what It looks like.
I don’t think you can truly let someone love you, if you don’t love and respect yourself.
I wish there was like a pill or something to improve self love. Thats what some people are missing, that love of themselves, for whatever reason. Nice post.
Beauty is relative. Women know their own flaws better than anyone else, and it’s harder to look passed them when you’re that close. Or to love them.
@Danth - Agreed.
@kattshorty - I completely agree with your statement.
Growing up, I was never a confident person. I had self-esteem issues and went through periods of self-loathing quite frequently. However, in the past few years, I guess you could say that I’ve changed a lot in terms of looks. It amuses me now when people compliment me or whatever because I’m totally not used to it. In my eyes, I’m still that awkward kid who just looks a little different now. But it proves that looks and appearances really play a major role in a woman’s life. And the role is rarely ever a positive one. No matter how a woman looks, she will always scrutinize herself.
As for the void, I couldn’t have explained that better myself. I’ve got friends. I’ve got people that care about me, yet I still feel so lonely all the time. Something’s missing and I wish I could pinpoint exactly what that is, but I can’t.
Your post stirred a lot of emotions in me. It’s good to know though that at the end of the day, I’m not the only one who feels these things. Thanks for writing this.
@nxaxzxixa - I’m glad you enjoyed reading this; also it is very nice to meet you!
How thoughtful of you to notice and send love to everyone. We seek validation of all sorts and love is the greatest validation of all.
I am beautiful! I am smart! I am nice! I am a woman with value! And you don’t have to agree with me.
It’s phases we go through. I struggle with it occasionally. It’s not that I don’t understand my worth… It’s more like the things around me make me feel like that. Thanks for the love!!
I swing back and forth constantly between loving who I am and wanting to change everything about me. On a good day I feel independent and beautiful, but on a bad day I think about the fact that I have no friends, and decide it’s because I don’t deserve any.
I love you too. (mind you, I’m VERY-so terribly wary when it comes to saying the sentence. I don’t say I love you to anyone, and when I say it, I truly fully mean it).
Thank you, very much. From my heart. You’re amazing.
<3
@suicidalspirit - Thank you. You know you are very dear to me. I love you a lot! HUG
Hmmm… this is rather interesting.
amen…great post!
I think it’s about self-esteem. If we don’t feel that great about ourselves, it matters not what others tell us.
I think the thing about being unloveable has everything to do with how we view our self. If we don’t love our self, we don’t think we deserve to be loved. I have that problem at times. It’s weird. One minute I’m saying I don’t deserve to be treated a certain way, then the next min I’m feeling like I shouldn’t be loved by my boyfriend. And I can say that I don’t completely love myself. I’m working on it though.
I love you too!
I absolutely love this post.
Rec’d!
I think the fact that you have shouted out your appreciation for your subscribers and friends on her is wonderful, but taking the time to notice women that feel very insecure and unworthy if very commendable. I will always love you for that.
YOU, my friend, ARE AMAZING!
It is such a shame to see this. I can’t help but wonder what horrendous things people do to one another in order for women like you described, for example, to feel the way they do. It’s really very sad.
I notice that people who don’t like their photo taken are lacking
I think I may have read this before but it is a very good post… Thanks for being you!
@echois23 - Aww, you’re sweet!
I think a part of the reason that so many feel unloved is that the definition of love has been twisted into an unrealistic romantic fantasy. The modern conception of love is based on an emotion rather than an action, and because of that, many people I’ve encountered are unable to perceive love even at the very moment it is being given to them.
Love is action which places the other before the self. Love looks to the best interests of the other, but not always in a manner which produces warm fuzzy feelings. Love upholds and supports, but it doesn’t coddle, and it doesn’t co-wallow in misery. It holds out a hand, but the other person must be willing to grasp it if they are to be pulled up.
What a nice post to write. I think self-esteem issues are par for the course for women, no matter what. It’s always nice to know someone cares enough to tell you that you are going to make it.
Sooo apparently, I’ve already commented this. You now have a new comment from me. There ya go
I’ve gone through something similar to this. I used to be depressed literally all the time, always ragging on myself and putting myself down. I’m not depressed anymore, but I still don’t have any self-esteem. I feel bad for it, because I do have a good amount of friends and an amazing boyfriend, but I still don’t feel like I’m really worthy of their attention. I don’t understand why anymore would care or put forth the effort because I just don’t find myself to be that great. I usually overreact to some little thing that goes wrong, and I can basically never look on the bright side of things.
I get so sad when I see other people like this.. It makes me wonder how people around me feel.
Just as a note–not all people with anorexia nervosa think they are fat, or have low self-image. It is trickier than that. Just like not all people with anorexia view thinspiration. ( I, myself, do not and have not–ever. It was never appealing. But I still dipped down to dangerously low weights when my own disorder was being poorly managed. )
But I agree with the basis of your blog. We should not isolate those that have issues, or make generalizations about what they must be going through. Everyone is different, and everyone copes in their own way; judging them won’t alleviate their problems. And, like you said–everyone needs to know that they are loved.
I wish there was a “like button”, cuz I’d click it for this post
thank you so much for your feedback it really means a lot ♥♥
Society is so hard on women. There are so many ads everywhere to be beautiful, all these sexy ads, even on non-sexy items, like deodorant. It’s ridiculous. I think it’s extremely harmful for girls and women because even though many of us know it’s not real, we still feel “We need to look like this to be beautiful and loved.” And then people wonder why anorexia and bulemia is all over the place.
Society needs to work on making women know that they ALL are valuable and worthy of being loved and treated right. When I’m a teacher I’m going to help show young people (girls and boys) that they have high potential and to not let anybody tear them down.
for a great post!
@MsKittyCatty - Thank you!
@lonelywanderer2 - Welcome!
We love you too, dear. You’re awesome. =)
I can honestly say that for the last 13 years I’ve been ridiculously happy.
I never doubted I was loved. Had no reason to. My older sister created drama and heartache for herself and others because she didn’t believe she was loved. Go figure.
I have found that when I focus outwardly rather than inwardly, I’m happier. Too much time spent on thinking about oneself only creates selfish feeling.
Mental illness is rampant I believe. And eating disorders..some psychologists think it is the one thing a person can control…what they eat or don’t eat. Evidently if you’re constantly in an environment where you have no personal freedom, starving yourself becomes the one thing you own. But the morphic disorder..that’s a whole ‘nuther can of worms.
It’s nice that you put yourself out there for others. That can be a huge burden, being there for others whenever they ask. May I ask, what’s your profession?
i love your post, it is beautiful and inspirational
@everlastte - i agree with you completely, 100%
Love the topic of your entry since it addresses something so important and yet often just accepted as a part of life. I mean, I think we just need to remember to balance everything in our lives. Too much is bad, too little is too. too fat, too thin. too sensitive to other’s perceptions, and not at all…
Everyone has their positives and are beautiful in some way. We just need to take a closer look at ourselves and see how amazing we truly are.
@happyworld_ofharibo - the thing is, not many people seem to give compliments. they tend to give criticism more readily. So if you ever get a compliment, magnify it’s significance by 1000 times because it is so much more rare. And honestly, you will never know how many times a cute guy may have fallen in love with your smile but was just too shy to tell you. And btw, your comment is one of the few that actually shows how human you are and how damn beautiful and real you truly are. Now smile and have a good day (:
I think many girls have low self esteem because of family, peers, society. There’s pictures and ads everywhere of skinny girls. Society screams that being skinny is acceptable and being heavier isn’t.
Self love has to come from within but sometimes it’s hard to find when all your life you’re being judged and told you’re not good enough.
@piqued -, Most of my adult life was spent working in Security, Corrections and Law Enforcement. I have thought of getting into Social Work, however, perhaps even working with a crisis hotline. Right now, I’m a cashier at Wal Mart, and trying to decide what direction to take next. I love writing, travel and photography, as well as being interested in Psychology and Forensics.
Exactly. Perfectly said.
You’re being naive. Women thrive on attention. When they’re lacking it, they over-react in the only way they know how … emotionally. ‘The Drama of Emotional Distress’ is a play all women know word for word.
@tremblingwithevelyn - Thanks for your insight! I have come to love reading what you write, and how your mind works. Undoubtedly, it is true in many cases that people play on our hearts for sympathy. I am not afraid to call a drama queen a drama queen.. I don’t believe all can be explained away so simply, though. I’d rather take the time to listen to what they have to say than just blow them off when they say they are hurting.
@lonelywanderer2 - You’re smart to. Few things are simple. Women adore being listened to … even when all we have to say is that we are hurting. Keep it up.
@tremblingwithevelyn - I remember being out with a female friend I am very attracted to, who was having problems. Both of us had been drinking. She said tell me you wouldn’t take me if I said I wanted you to. I told her in all honesty, “Right now, no, I wouldn’t. If you were sober and not broken-hearted, and said you wanted me, I’d be all over you.”
Thank you.
@lonelywanderer2 - I greatly respect that.
@dancesafterhope - I appreciate your respect, but please actually call on me if needs be. HUGS
Beautiful post, sir. This made me smile. I love you, too, friend.
I have no idea why beautiful, intelligent women don’t love themselves for who they are. I haven’t got the answer to that, but what I do know is this: I don’t consider myself beautiful or intelligent, because I just see myself as “me”, but I have had those two words thrown at me constantly, and it always makes me smile. It’s nice to know you are appreciated. I don’t hate myself, though. I love me. I just do the best I can and I smile along the way.
“They have hopes and dreams just like the rest of us!” That was great to hear right now, because for some reason, just as I was washing the dishes a few minutes ago, before I came online to this post, something odd happened. Randomly, I was reciting a poem in my head over and over: it’s a poem I wrote months ago, probably just under a year ago, actually, and haven’t thought about it in ages. It just came to my head. What’s weird is it had the exact same message as the one in that line you wrote, that I pasted. That no matter how different we are, we all have hopes and dreams running through our veins, and that makes us pretty much the same.
Great post. I hope it gets featured. <3
Oh, and… the title of this post. I love it. It pretty much defines what I live by. I see people as different, I feel different a lot of the time, but I absolutely, genuinely, truly love everybody. People sometimes don’t understand how literally I mean that. And I do – I mean it literally. I’ve got time for everybody and I really don’t care about their faults, because you know what? We all have them, right? It’s no use nit picketing at someone else’s faults as if we stand alone without our own. We’re all perfectly imperfect creatures, and so we all could do with each other.
aaaaaaaaah, I just love this entry. I hope somebody has submitted it to be featured, and if not, here I go!
We all have something we will go through in this lifetime~ so I’m not for sure why we feel compelled to judge. All the condemnation will just add to the feelings of failure. If we just love~ healing will come.
Beautiful~
You are a wonderful friend! I appreciate and feel the kindness in this well written post. Thank you for offering your love to those in need.
@WildWomanOfTheWest - @Cynsjrl - @dancesafterhope - @crazy2love - @SimplyNita - @beautifullybrokenbutnotdamage - @AibellFaeire - @piqued - @everlastte - @MsKittyCatty - You all liked this entry, so I thought I’d let you know: I submitted it to get featured, so if you want, you can make your way over and vote for it to make it to featured!
http://www.xanga.com/cms/voting.aspx?user=Xanga&sort=date
@nxaxzxixa - @awoolham - @RestlessButterfly - @ccarothers - @trickery19 - @suicidalspirit - @sarahflorida1085 - @PaytonFamily - @sle21408 - @JupitersDays - @Shades_of_Athena - @echois23 - @ccarothers - @xAnotherxCasexOfxTeenxAngst - @EgoOverdose - @gymbum20 -
I thought I’d let you guys know that this post was submitted to be featured, so if you think it deserves to be, then:
http://www.xanga.com/cms/voting.aspx?user=Xanga&sort=date
Vote.
@kattshorty - @xSafety_x_Pinned_x_Heartx - @paperwhite_narcissus - @MySecretLoveAffair - @Murazrai - @northernskylights - @SerenaDante - @lil_squirrel4ever - @soulstar76 - @happyworld_ofharibo - @Danth - @AlterEgo909 -
http://www.xanga.com/cms/voting.aspx?user=Xanga&sort=date
That’s the link for if you wanna submit this post to get featured.
we <3 you too!!!! sorry i haven’t been commenting much.
not enough of it!
time is a bitch
You are very sweet.
@alltimelow22 - I understand!
I love you too!!! haha.
I don’t have self-confidence but I do believe I deserve love. On the other hand I dont think you can love anyone until you love yourself.
I am getting there and I am always there for my friends wen they need me. Even though I don’t always have someone to go to.
Great post.
I currently have a friend who really has no self confidence. She would always come to me to talk about a guy. And every single time, it always ends up with me telling her that she needs to have confidence in herself and to love herself to have other people love her. While it sure does get repetitive, I always strive to break that cycle with her and with other people. Helping others even by just listening is a great feeling and builds great character.
I agree. The Thinspo stuff is especially hard to take in, but each of these individuals deserves the chance to connect.
I’ve read so-called top bloggers who write, “I’ve been here six years. Just ignore them.” I say fuck that, people want to heal. Good message.
Of all the the terrible things that happen on or are said about social networking sites, what you said should also be pointed out. The idea of being able to freely say what’s on your mind or how you feel without the worry of having to face who you talked to everyday is a wonderful release. I love being on sites where people can express deep thoughts or worries knowing that someone will read it and help out with words of advice, comfort or wisdom. It matters not where they are, human compassion is shared globally.
wow…deep post but great! i have been one of those in those crisis times with no one to talk to. thanks for letting me know i can turn to u.
I remember reading this post =]
Very wise words, my dear. I wish I could tell the young women that when you can love yourself, it shows and becomes a magnet to attract people to you.
One fallacy is that your insecurity stems from low self esteem. Sometimes we are just too critical of ourselves. We are taught to set goals for ourselves in order to achieve a successful future and in reaching them, we are too harsh or critical. One of the best pieces of advise I ever got was to treat yourself like you would your best friend, because we are often kinder to others than we are on ourselves.
I so agree with your post.
@jtqueenbee30 - Any time! HUGS
@laytexduckie - You sound like a good friend to have!
@dirtbubble - Exactly.
@crazy2love - This one gets put up every once in awhile, ’cause people say it makes them feel good about themselves, which is of course one reason I wrote it. Thanks for reading!
@fratmom - I’ve seen that, too. Thanks!
@thinfriendxxo - Very true!
@vexations - Thank you!
@lonelywanderer2 - I always try to be. There is no reason for me not to. You, yourself, are a true friend as well.
Spread love not hatred and hate…
That’s what most people need. Someone to let them know they’re not alone.
Why is it so often we judge by appearance instead of the beauty that truly counts, that that comes from within, thank you for this post and for being there for those who need you
In Christs Love
Michelle~
its true that a lot of people are insecure and feel badly about themselves. I have myself. Its hard to say exactly why. but its nice to know there are people out there who care.
I didn’t read all the comments (I don’t have time), so I apologize if there is a repeat of information in this comment. I work with teenage girls in a treatment center as a Mental Health Counselor. You need to be aware that while some young girls do become anorexic (and/or other eating disorders, self injurious behaviors,etc) due to insecurity, that is a vast generalization and not entirely clinical. Anorexia has at it’s core greater significant and issue than simply a self-image issue. Most girls who are and become anorexic are abused as young children in some way, or feel trapped, or out of control. Anorexia & Self-Injurious type Mental health disorders are usually about control. Young girls don’t feel like they have control over any part of their life and so they use food, pain or other things to control something. Most anorexics that wind up hospitalized and with serious health issues fall into this kind of anorexia. It is a compulsion, not a depression. Once it has begun, it cannot be stopped. Much in the same way as someone who becomes addicted to exercise or drugs.
As for self-image issues, that’s also a reason for anorexia and self-injurious behaviors, but those are usually wrapped up in abuse of some sort. The kind of self-image issues that lead to self-injury are where the patient is so vastly destroyed in their view of themselves due to harm caused by emotional, verbal, physical or sexual abuse. Most of the girls I deal with are self injurious in various forms. They are young girls who are so filled with self-loathing that it’s not just about “I”m not pretty or I’m not thin” – it’s an all-consuming and overwhelming state of mind. It’s not to be fixed by media or social networks. The kind of mindset has to be therapeutically guided by a professional to healthy places, sometimes with the assist of medication, but mostly with the help of support and safe environments. The last element of each case is that the patient herself has to desire to change. If she has no desire to work through those issues, there is no amount of therapy, love, support or talking that’s going to help her step away from her mindset.
In my profession, the reminder we have is that each resident is sick. Sick, just like someone with the flu, cancer or any other disease. Some cases are more severe, some are not. Each is different, but the behaviors are communication of deeper problems. So, being “thin” isn’t usually the issue for anorexics. They are mentally ill. It’s a mind-set that is destructive, and until the mind can be healed, there’s no hope for a disorder to stop.
Sorry for the length.
- blessings — A
Thanks for writing this.
@Renaissance_Phoenix - Thank you for this information, and for the work you do!
I agree that we shouldn’t take down the sites or stop the posts when people dealing with this are using them to spread awareness or to gain support for stopping their addictions.
However, there are a lot of sites just like you mentioned that are made for people suffering from these addictions, for other people suffering from these addictions, meant purely and simply to encourage continuance of the addiction. Those are the sites that I wish could be taken down. But, I don’t want them to be removed, either, because that would be infringing on freedom of speech, and where do you stop with that?
It can be pretty complicated. But, yes, I definitely agree that the sites and forums dedicated to helping people who are suffering from these addictions should not be shut down or banned. Those are a positive influence in the lives of people suffering from those addictions. There is no reason to make people who suffer from these things feel as if they have nowhere to turn and get support. Just because you don’t like an addiction doesn’t mean someone with that addiction should be forced into isolation. Since when do we simply isolate what we do not like or understand?
I think a lot of people mistakenly think that if anyone talks about this in any capacity it encourages the person to continue being addicted and it encourages others to become addicted, and that just isn’t the case.
We don’t isolate people who have cancer, do we? No, we support them and their families and help them fight it. Its the same with alcoholism these days. And drug addiction. Why are self-harm addictions any different? I guess people just don’t think you can be addicted to not eating, or throwing up/abusing laxatives, or cutting yourself. But, why not? These are things we do TO ourselves, yes. But, so is taking drugs or drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes. Doctors have confirmed that just because alcohol, drugs and cigarettes have components that make us addicted, we can really become addicted to anything even if there is no drug within it that forces our body to depend on it.
Very well said, and honest! I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Quoting you ~ “No person should be defined by an addiction or an illness, including eating disorders.”
I agree 110%. Illness does NOT define a person.
Thank you for visiting me, and becoming a friend. {{hugs}}
~Helena
most excellent post.
i’m always grateful for my parents when I read posts like this.
Amazing post. More people need a friend as awesome and encouraging as you are! Once again, keep up the good work
everyone goes through this. I go through this and my boyfriend is always telling why I act that way. But I’m not bulimic or anything. I just hate how I look sometimes and I wish I looked like the models in the magazines…even though they’re photoshopped to look perfect. What is wrong with the world today? Anyway, great post and you’re awesome!!
Yeah, in this vein, I’m really tired of people judging thinspo sites. I did have a problem before I went to friends lock when thinspo sites would sub me, but that was because I knew I cared too much to sit there and torture myself when I was already going through depression and my own eating disorders. I’ve seen myself give everything there is to give before. My best friend in high school was a drug addict, and I ground myself to the bone trying to save her.
People are kind of mean about thinspo. I never really understood why. The photos they post are shocking, for sure, but I think it’s the fact that most people see thinspo as a subconscious extension of their own insecurities, and someone dealing with them in a completely unhealthy way.
This made me, like, cry!!
awwww this post is beautiful. i love your site. was just going to say thankyou for commenting my post and im glad i popped by your sites great and your sweet
i have so much i could say in reply too this but im sure you have heard it already!
Like many of the women have already basically said, society is too damn hard on us, and we are too hard on ourselves and on each other.
Lovely sentiment in your post. Very sweet.
This is a nice post. Everyone wants to be loved and cared about.
Great post & advice!
I think most women devalue themselves in their minds when they are not in a situation where love is shown in the way they “think” it should be. I think there are a lot of lonely, unhappy women that think they are unlovable because their SO’s and potential SO’s don’t show love the way they picture. There are very few Richard Gere/Julia Roberts situations in Pretty Woman…or Nicholas Cage/Meg Ryan in City of Angels to name just a couple. Many women have an unrealistic picture of love and when it doesn’t happen “that” way they feel like it is something they are doing wrong or their boyfriends or husbands aren’t doing because of their own inadequacies. I think there would be a lot less sorrow if people would learn their partners way of saying “I love you”. Most men are romantic/romantics but they are not Gary Cooper, or Errol Flynn , they are not Leonardo DeCaprio, or Brad Pitt. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or that you are not desirable. It is important women learn just how their husband or boyfriend say they love you. This is a subject that I have noticed also in women. Sometimes they are lucky, someone points this out to them…I had someone tell me this many years ago. Unfortunately not until I had given up on the love of my husband of 14 years and after my divorce. I am now married to a man 29 years and feel so very loved. Yes, even when instead of diamonds he brings me a 4-10 shotgun and teaches me how to use it for my own protection
)
Ya know some chick magazine did a stat that stated that women think they are on avg 10 pounds heaver than they really are. You have to wonder why but I think it is that we all have to be super women who are thin, have perfect children, perfect husband, can cook their butts off, work out, are highly intelligent, crafty, no chipped nails, no split ends. . . ya know-perfect. But life is not perfect in the least so why should we be? There is no perfect place to live, no perfect school, no perfect community- no utopia. So why should be be something that is not? Because of how we are trained and what we see and hear.
I used to obsessively clean my place only to see that it did not look like anyone lived there. Think about that.
However lovely that is of you (there are so few “nice guys” left in the world, I swear) you want to be my friend why?
Honestly, if you’re offering your support as a stranger, I’m cool.
If you’re going to harass me and tell me what I’m doing is ridiculous and how I need to stop, etc., then fuck off (I don’t get that vibe from you at all though).
And lastly, if you just randomly did this so you can get more subs… definitely fuck off.
Sorry I’m being so defensive. But, I’m sure you understand if you meant anything you said in the above post.
Seriously, if you’d like to get some insight into this kind of thing though, I’ll totally talk to you. I think it’s wonderful when people who haven’t experienced any kind of mental disorder want to learn as much as they can about the actual EXEPERIENCE, because that’s what you really need to do to be able to HELP people, or even just to be there for them.
@sgdreams - First off, I don’t harass anyone, nor do I judge what they do. The friend invite stands, but if you don’t choose to accept, that is your business. Best of luck, either way.
everyone needs to be heard. not gonna lie, i love thinspo. i cr. i don’t have an ed. but i come from another place where i see a lot of people eating themselves to death. who’s stopping that?
@lonelywanderer2 - Regardless of the tinge of hostility I senced from that comment, I accept (now is the part I’d shake your hand if it were “real”).
@sgdreams - Thanks for accepting my friend invite. No hostility here, I just don’t want to push myself on anyone. As for never having experienced any mental disorder, that’s debatable. It’s been a bumpy few years, dealing with my own worry about the world since 9-11-2001 (I was a civilian Security Police Officer, some have suggested PTSD) and the stresses posed by economic hardship and my wife and family. I definitely look forward to getting your insight into things, though.
This was nice and refreshing.
And your friends are very lucky to have you~!
Big up to you for this post!
@TheSutraDude - Thanks, and I appreciate the rec!!!
you;re very kind indeed
@lonelywanderer2 - You’re welcome. Great post man.
“Yet they post about how they feel ugly, stupid, or like total failures.” I too have never quite understood it. One of the most beautiful women I have known declares she looks ugly in any picture of her.
You are right on the mark and I am glad you are here for these beautiful people, as am I.
Props to you! This is wonderfully written and I agree with it 100%. We need to love people and try to put ourselves in their shoes. It can be hard to understand what somebody is going through, but its always helps to encourage them the best you can. Let people know that they are indeed special.