July 1, 2013
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I’m Thinking About Committing Suicide
I have been thinking about committing suicide for quite some time now.
My wife is with another man, with whom she has been having an affair for a while. At age 50, I am now living alone, with only my dog for companionship, after many years with the love of my life. I am in a city where I don’t have any family or friends, or even know anybody. My son and daughter are both grown and don’t need me nearly as much as they used to, if at all.
I have very little money, and that was provided by somebody else. I cannot find a job. I had one very briefly, but it didn’t last, and unemployment is very high here.
I have never been through such hard times in my life. Some days I am so depressed and discouraged, I can hardly get out of bed. A lot of the time, I feel unloved and unwanted, and even feel I am nothing but a burden to others. I think maybe it would be better if I wasn’t around at all. Being dead must be easier than living the way I do now. So I thought, it’s time to finally do it.
It’s time to write a post about suicide. I don’t believe I will ever commit suicide, though. I’ve been slightly acquainted with someone who committed suicide, and saw the effects on those who cared about him. When a person kills himself or herself, family and friends are devastated. They blame themselves and wonder what they could have done that might have prevented it. I think everything I’m going through right now has given me more insight into how people get that desperate, that they feel killing themselves is their best or only way to escape their troubles. I’ve thought about suicide a lot, not with the serious intent of killing myself, but wondering why people do it. I have talked with people who were wanting to self-harm or commit suicide, and encouraged them to find reasons to keep living.
To anyone who is seriously thinking about ending their own life, I would say this. I get that life is hard sometimes, more now than ever. But just like happy feelings and good times, sadness and bad times also pass. There is great beauty in this world that you have yet to see.There are plenty of great times still ahead, but only if you stay around to experience them. You are an amazing, wonderful person, capable of helping others, and you may be the main reason someone else feels life is worth living. I know that you enrich my life just by sharing your hopes and dreams, your joy and sorrow with me. Let’s keep sharing this wonderful adventure that is life as long as we can.
Comments (99)
I’m glad you didn’t! Whew!
Even if they’re grown and don’t really depend on you anymore, your kids still need you in their lives. They will always need you, whether they realize it or not.
Believe me, I’ve been through hard times. I’m still going through hard times, although they’re not quite as hard as they once were. And sometimes I still have thoughts of driving my car off a ravine or into a tree, or getting one of my knives. But I don’t do it because I have people that would be devastated. So do you. Don’t forget that.
/hugs
I’m so so sorry you have had to go through such bad times lately Sweetie. Please always remember that life is a gift, and each day is another chance for happiness to come your way.Don’t ever give up!!
I think it is really tough when one passes 35 and then has to do a major life reboot. But life is longer than we think. Even at 50, there is room for many changes and many new things…
don’t do it.
The world is sweeter with you here and I”M glad you exist P.
You’ve been my shoulder to cry on, my friend to rely on and through the good and bad times you have always been there. I cannot imagine life without you so you’re children, grown or not..would be irrevocably hurt by your loss. MAybe you feel like a burden..you are the furthest thing. You bring joy and sunshine to lots of people; it’s just hard for you to see it through the darkness right now. Text me, call me….Facebook me, message me..I love you and I’m sensing , and please correct me if I’m wrong..because I’ve been feeling what you feel right now too….That you don’t want to die as much as you want the pain to end?? And your story isn’t over!!!!
Much love and hugs;
Zoexx
*hugs* I hope you reach out to your children. Even if you don’t think they need you as much, they still love you deeply and care about you. You are still the only father they will ever have. You are a wonderful and uplifting man. I hope you find peace and joy once again in your life.
I have to admit when I clicked on this I was hoping you were making a joke or perhaps somebody else’s story.
Here’s hoping things improve
No matter how bad you’re feeling, at least you’re still feeling something.
The thing about suicide is that it’s a long term solution to what may very well be a temporary problem. Can’t say I haven’t romanticized the alleged freedom that would come from death once or twice myself, but at the end of the day it just doesn’t make any sense. If “you” are wanting to off yourself because life isn’t tolerable right now, that’s just giving up and assuring you’ll never see the sun after the rain.
So yeah, don’t do it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZdSaI080VXc
P.S. Your kids might not “need” you as much… but it’s okay for you to need them. So let them know you do.
@npr32486 - @MzKeekz - @Texasjillcarmel - @GreekPhysique - @chronic_masticator - @konni -
Thanks to al of you for your support. I plan on making it through to better times, and want to encourage others to keep until things get better for them. @CuddlyKat - I have no plans of giving up, now or ever; thanks for being a friend!!! Glad I’ve been able to be there for you, and I know you are there for me if I need you!!!! @SasGal - Thanks for the encouragement. My daughter is one of my biggest supporters, and I know things will get better. @Ghillies_guide - Thanks for the support, and the link. It’s a good song, which I’ve heard once or twice before, and a good video.
Props to you for staying strong all this time. Life is tough, to say the very least. Things will start looking up for you – just hang in there!!! And, I know you mentioned that your funds are insufficient… but maybe you could move somewhere else where the unemployment rate isn’t so high? Use your savings to buy a plane ticket and stay with a friend for a while? Best of luck!!
That has to be really hard what you’re going through. I hope things turn around for you.
I’m sure things will improve for you as you are on your journey.
Like you said, “Let’s keep sharing the wonderful adventure that is life as long as we can.”
We’re all in this life journey together. Be encouraged.
Don’t do it… life can change around any corner. Find a supportive person to talk to, get out in the sunshine for ten minutes a day, take your b12 and multivitamins… find something useful to do. Volunteer at a shelter or a church or a soup kitchen. Give back to someone else and find value in your time. Most of these things take almost no money. Most of all, keep fighting because things will get better. You have friends here at any rate and no matter what happens with xanga2 a bunch will be at wordpress.
I will be http://www.guestbrief.wordpress.com if nothing else happens.
I’ve been there and I know how you feel.
I think almost everyone has thought about suicide at one point in their lives. I definitely have so many times and realized I needed help and I’m doing much better now. Life has its ups and downs but that is what makes life exciting and wonderful. You may having a difficult time now this too shall pass so there’s nothing to be worried about
Here is my favorite mini to you.
I’ve never read your blog before, but I’m so sorry that you’re going through such tough times. I wonder, you referred to your wife as the love of your life– is there any chance at all that you could work it out with her? Also, even though you may not see your children all the time, that doesn’t mean that they don’t need you. I don’t see my father nearly as often as I would like to, or as often as I should, but I would be devastated if anything happened to him. I’m sure that your kids would be, too. I hope that you’re able to turn your last paragraph around on yourself and realize that all of those things are true about you, too!
I’m sad you’re going through such a hard time. It’s strange, when I was going through my hardest times I never thought of ending it. Now, my life is great but I sometimes just don’t see a real point in life and think that if I just drove over that cliff or something that it wouldn’t even matter if I died. Sometimes I want to just give everything up, I don’t know why I get that feeling sometimes but I would never actually do it. I’m glad you haven’, hang in there.
John 3:16-18New International Version (NIV)
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.
John 16:33New International Version (NIV)
33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
I’m glad you decided to hang around. What seems so bad today–my not matter as much tomorrow. Maybe you will get interested in something you enjoy and start a new direction in your life. its your day–50 isn’t old–your just getting started–your turn in life to do what you enjoy doing. Give yourself sometime. God bless you my friend.
You are right. Suicide affects so many others. My grandson killed himself 10 years ago when he was 23. The family still mourns for him, even his daughter, who is now 13. Things would have gotten better if he’d just kept going until they did. Hope things get better soon for you.
Hugs and blessings to you dear friend. All miseries pass, and happiness and joys prevail. Be strong, and bold and look life in the face and tell yourself, I can conquer all.
Love and best wishes to you.
we already have too few poets… no way, just don’t go there.
In times like this, it can really help to do volunteer work for the less fortunate. Focusing on ourselves can be a trap because it makes our problems seem that much greater. By shifting your focus to others, you not only get a good feeling from helping someone, but gain a new perspective on your problems as well. It may sound unreal, but there are people in situations where they would gladly trade places with you.
Everyday you can get up and see the sun and feel it’s warmth is another day of hope and opportunity. Another chance to turn things around.
I just wanted to drop you a note letting you know that I enjoy reading your posts. Please continue to press on and post somewhere else like wordpress. There is hope if you take the time to find it. You have friends on here that care about you very much. Think about them, too.
One word, Seroquel, it saved me.
I like what you wrote in the last paragraph. Keep believing in yourself and never lose hope.
Please don’t do it. And don’t dangle about the idea as if its something light either, I hope you can reach out to people around you in your community not just here on xanga. One of my friends took his own life back in Nov and it was a complete shock to everyone. Nothing is ever that bad, and if it is a tough time I promise you it will be worth it in the end. But if you don’t hang in there you won’t get a chance to see it. Life isn’t perfect unfortunately, if only we are told that early on a lot of us would be better off.
Everything can change around you, your life can be altered so much it becomes unrecognizable, and emotionally it feels like the loss of your self, the loss of your identity and your dreams. But, no matter what changes, the real you–the whole, unaffected being inside–will always be okay as long as you’re still here to realize it. You can find the connection to that okay-ness, and from there, you will see that you can rebuild a deeper sense of fulfillment and peace than you ever knew before. I am sorry for the pain in your life. Remember you are so much more than the pain. I recommend reading Eckhart Tolle…he writes about these distinctions and is very, very comforting. You will be okay, friend.
Please don’t do it. I too, have been so depressed where I didn’t want to get out of bed and face another day, but it really does get better. I used to cry every night, lost weight, etc. because I was so severely depressed. I know it’s cliche, but it DOES get better. *HUGS*.
that was beautiful. thank you for posting.
I’ve been there too. It gets annoying when people say “it’ll get better”. But it is so true. In the last few years, I’ve lost my long term love, my long term job, and my long term home and had responsibility up to my ears because the grown kids came back needing help. Worst time of my life (and I’m a little older than you)I really didn’t want to do the whole “life” thing anymore. I’m tired. But things can change for good, on a dime, just like they can for bad. I know how hard it is to have hope but that’s what’s gonna pull you thru. I kept telling myself, things will work out (even if I didn’t believe it), and slowly, they have. I got a crappy job, then found a better one, I had a week left to find a place to live, and something absolutely perfect fell in my lap, the love part, well, I’m used to being alone, I’ll work on that later. Things will work out. Hang in there my friend. We care about you.
Tomorrow is just around the corner. A better day, a new adventure, a strangers smile. Don’t give up on your life, it’s given you so much already…the best is yet to come.
Well written and honest. I wish you the best getting through these turbulent times.
I hope things get better for you. Also, I think it’s ok to have thoughts like this when you’re going through such a rough time. The point where you need to get real help is the point where you start to think about how to go through with it. Right now, it seems like you can work through your tough times.
This whole time I thought you were in your twenties. And this doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but you know your picture, The Lonely Wanderer? I first saw it on your page. Then it’s been my facebook cover photo for a couple months.I suppose I relate a lot with that feeling of loneliness and unwantedness. But then in my better moments I realize I am worth something to someone else, to at least three or four good people in the world, and while that is not enough to fill the loneliness, it does get me out of bed.
I’d like to add- be willing to accept temporary financial assistance from the State – these are the times it’s there for, and you’ve paid into the system all your life when working.
From a liberal to a conservative, good luck. Hey, you scratched a bobcat behind the ears, you can do it.
I’ve not yet had the courage.
Everyone is going to die. Some of us get to choose how we die and some of us don’t. If you are so sick of this reality no one will be able to stop you from whatever choice you want to make. Although, don’t be so quick to make that choice because you may not like the reality death has to offer.
And I think that I told you, I’d wait for you forever
Now I know someone else’s holding you,
so, for the first time in my life – I must lie
Lie’s a sin, mess that I am in,
Love is not the thing I feel know
I promise you: I won’t write again ’til the sun sets
behind your grave
I’m writing to you, I heard you passed
away it was a beautiful day
I’m old and I feel time will come for me, my diary’s
pages are full of thee
And I think that I told you, I’d wait for you forever
Now I know someone else’s holding you,
so, for the first time in my life – I must lie
Lie’s a sin, mess that I am in,
Love is not the thing I feel know
I promise you: I won’t write again ’til the sun sets
behind your grave
I’m writing to you, I heard you passed
away it was a beautiful day
I’m old and I feel time will come for me, my diary’s
pages are full of thee
I am the same. I would never do it, but I think about it a lot.
your blog title scared me. glad that you found that life is too valuable to give up. Hugs
suicide is for quitters that realize too late that it is a problem, not a solution
I’ve got a mini heart attack when I first read the title of this post phew -___- So glad you didn’t do it. *hugs*
You are valued to someone! Things are tough right now for a lot of people, you’re not alone. I recommend talking to your kids, even if they’re far away they would still want you around! Think of the positives and the blessings even if they’re small. Best wishes to you!
It’s shocking to me to read that you have “only my dog” for companionship. I don’t know how you can think of abandoning your dog.
Life can change for the better. It can change for the worse, too, and I can pretty much guarantee that you will die someday without having to interfere with nature. I don’t have a sense that suicide is winning. Life is the biggest win that we all got for free. Love your dog and make the most of what you have.
I attempted suicide as a teenager, because my mother made me miserable and I didn’t want to live like that. I couldn’t see past the misery I was in, but I still failed and was immediately glad to have failed. My life got better just as soon as I got away from the situation, and “better” included being homeless and being on welfare.
I look forward to fabulous surprises orchestrated by the universe. I recommend embracing that kind of thinking.
I had a while when I was thinking much the same things. I’m sorry you’re feeling all that. And I hope you stay around, there seems to be a lot of people here that care about you!
Committing suicide is the most coward act. I am happy that you stop yourself to do so. And it’s more appreciable that now you are encouraging others who want to end their lives. You are right; like good days, bad days will also pass. Ups and downs are part of life; bravery is in facing both situations wisely.
aw here we go again. I am sorry you are here for a reason…dont think about it. God created you….dont waste it. also I think this is a publicity stunt to save xanga. I hate these “im gonna kill myself blogs because it reminds me of myself when i was younger and i wanted attention Grow up get off the computer and find people who care about you not this phony community who you will never hang out with.
I’ve been right there with you. The pain and despair that comes from affairs can be crippling and cause our vision to tunnel into darkness. But suicide will never be the answer. Situations change, and as intolerable and horrible as you feel now, those too can change.
Keep your chin up, and keep pushing for a better day. If you ever need to talk, you can send me a PM or email me.
*hugs*
I’m very relieved that you decided against suicide even though you are in a bad place. It’s never too late to start something new. Find a hobby like music, art, photography, or anything else that you always wanted to do as a kid.
For money you can join swagbucks.comThe site is where you earn points and you can exchange the points for cash to your Paypal account. I’m currently a full time student so this is the only way I can make money right now. I hope things get better for you soon!
I have struggled with the same thing. I’m glad you decided not to.
I really understand you beyond anything. I have been without my kids, no job, I have been fortunate to always count on my brother and friends here who know my life lol But I understand. And Xanga being taken away feels almost too strange, like we have to make decisions now that we have put off for a while. Well, I feel that way xD I used to think I should just get hit by that bus or I’d walk down the stairs and imagine me falling and blood and crazy stuff like that. Apparently that is normal for when people hit rock bottom. But I never did do anything. To respect my mom who was dealing with terminal cancer and her biggest wish was to stay alive. And because I know it would have an effect on my brother so, no. I think about it but I won’t. I just fantasize about it. I hope you know lots of people care and hope things will get better tomorrow. You are right that those thoughts are momentary and everything shall pass. Take good care. Stay positive even in those dark moments <3
may the sun shine on you today, or a gentle breeze caress your face. May the scent of something delicious cooking, or the sound of someone’s voice bring you moments of happiness.
Even in hard times, there are blessings, for example: that you can even access a computer, and that you are smart enough to know how to read/write/type and use one. Many cannot. That you have eyes to see, and lungs that work. Keep breathing, keep reading, keep typing and connecting with others rather than becoming stagnant, focusing on the hurtful negatives. There is much good out there to be had.
I hope things turn around for you and despite the sadness of current events in your life, that the recognition of new joys are allowed in. I read the whole blog and realize you do not think you ever shall truly go through with suicide, and for that I am glad, as I am sure are many others, ones you know about and others you have touched that you don’t yet realize.
Cue the vapid “I really do give a shit, *hugz*” brigade!!!! There was this actress I can’t recall who but her dad committed suicide and she said in an interview she thought it was “the bravest thing he could have done” which I realise goes against the grain somewhat of all those “think about your KIDS man!!!” wailers. Although Let’s be real for just a moment though even if it is only this comment ; bottom line : if you really were going to top yourself you’d just do it, not sit whining on a blog site about it.
I had no idea what rough times you’ve been having. I think we’ve all been there, at one point or another. I don’t know what you believe, but I know for a fact that God has a plan for you. Draw nigh unto Him and He will draw nigh unto you. Thinking of and praying for you.
I can relate man. I have been through quite a few rough patches in my life as well, including divorce. Something that I learned along the way is that no one is ever truly alone unless they wish to be. I found that while I was going through these painful moments in life, and I found myself down, I ended up pushing people away from me. And I know I am not the first, or last person to do such. I to have been down that suicide path, but chose to keep believing that things would get better.
And they did. I still am a long way from where I want to be, but I know that I can get there. You can to my man. Set yourself some short term goals. Reaching them will give you confidence that you can accomplish what you set your mind to doing.
Not that you need advice from some nameless stranger. Just know that you are NOT alone. There are millions of people out there that have been through their own personal hell. We can relate, at least in some ways.
Just a note from a random stranger that knows pain too. Peace to you.
Man I’m sorry to hear things are weighing so heavily on you my friend, but I can definitely relate to how you’re feeling. I hope you’ll contact me if I can do anything to help. Still have my contact info?
You sound like an absolutely marvelous and heartwarming person, and I truly hope you find the love you most definitely deserve. Hang in there, I have been there too, and it surely wasn’t easy, but you will get out of it. <3
I’m glad you’re sticking with it, especially since you have children. I’m 30 now, but for a long time my father was the only reason I bothered to stay alive. I still may not wait for a natural death, but I have a few other people who love me enough that I know I can’t put them through that.
Please consider calling the suicide hotline for anything you wanted to talk about. It’s toll-free and open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week:
Call 1 800 SUICIDE or 1 800 784 2433
http://www.suicidehotlines.com/
don’t worry man, everyone encounters this type of scenario… Just be patient and let it pass… better days will come…
I always, to this day, think of suicide… With no real intention. But, around this time last year. I attempted to commit suicide. Obviously, I failed. Sometimes I’m happy I’m still here but other times, not so much. Suicide has been coming to mind recently as well.
I’m 23 and looking at my future, I feel I will be nothing, miserable, and alone.
Most xangans, even strangers, know about what happened to me. I was in a car accident 5 years ago and I was affected badly. After surprisingly waking up from a 2 month coma, I was completely different. My life was changed dramatically; I can walk, but my walking is unstable. I am a fall risk though I haven’t fallen in years. People still treat me like a handicapped. My vision was affected. I’m not blind. My vision is blurred. I have to use a screen reader to use a computer. My speech was badly affected. My voice changed, I’m hard to understand, and I have difficulty literally speaking. Like getting words out of my mouth.
I have been using online dating sites, hoping to find a good guy. I have had some luck, but way too many cruel and ignorant people.
With friends, I feel I am no fun to be with and a chore, so I rarely see them.
My family andd the fear of actually commiting suicide is why I’m still here.
Sorry, thought I’d share my story though this wasn’t what you were asking for.
I’d say “Stick it out. Things will get better.” I have heard that all too many times and it irritates me; Yeah, you can say that because you aren’t living as I am.
But, I can hope you will somehow feel better… Accept some things. I somewhat have and it has helped me to continue.
i’m sorry you are going through such a rough time. You should definitely move in with one of your kids. it’s always nice to rekindle with family. Save up money, and definitely travel and move somewhere cheaper, like North Carolina for instance. Nature is good for depression, it helps with thinking. Change your routine, you should sell the house where you and your ex wife used to live and simply kick her out and tell her to move with her new man, i guess. get money out of that and do everything you were never able to do because lets say, she didn’t like. go out and be a totally new person. best of luck! xxx
It takes more courage and strength to live than to die. Stay here and try to support others who suffer.
The most encouraging thing is at the end of the post you took time to encourage others in the midst of your circumstances. Know you are making a difference in others’ lives even if you don’t see the results.
I loved your post and I don’t say that very often to anybody (actually never before).
I identify with your unemployment and marital difficulty, though my wife is faithful. She simply has health problems that make her a beloved ball and chain and give me added responsibilities.
Your insight about how focusing on helping others helps us to forget our own problems and bring some joy into our own troubled lives is very helpful.
If I focus on politics, I get depressed. If I focus on doing things for my wife because I love her or on someone else who needs help, I gain joy. I think that one lesson I get from this is that joy is really a matter of how you look at things and how you focus your activity.
I loved the film, “Pay it forward.” It teaches this lesson so beautifully without sugar-coating anything. It deals with the problem of bitterness as well as joy.
Thank you for your post.
I’ve appreciated all your encouragement thought my marriage. I’m so sorry you’re in pain like this… but wow, the way you pull the end of the blog together… it’s precious. There is beauty here, there is life after this pain! I want to second what Doug said… it’s ok to need your kids… they are your family, maybe you should tell them. I know if you were my father (and very close in age to him), I’d want to know and help in any way I could!
Don’t worry, what you’re going through will pass. There IS a way out. *hug*
You worded it well! I went through the same thing you do/did. I go through occasionally but like you said, things get better eventually if not anytime soon. Thank you for sharing. It is very helpful to be honest and blunt, because it tells us how real your life is. No sugarcoating any truth.
i struggle with suicide, and it’s gotten more frequent the last few weeks. i was in a car accident last week, and i cursed my bad luck that i didn’t die in it. i’m too anxious to really kill myself. one, i can’t handle pain very well. so things like slitting my wrists, hanging myself, taking pills, etc. aren’t appealing to me. i don’t allow guns in my home for that specific reason, and i hate it when friends tell me whether they own a gun. when i feel suicidal, it makes it very tempting to go to their house and use it.
First of all I will say I am glad that you didn’t do it.
Let me tell you a couple of things, in 1995 I lost my wife at age 41, I am almost age 59 and life goes on. You want to know how it goes on and life is good?
There is one person in my life that I would not be without that is the Messiah our Savior.
He keeps me through everything.
Even though I am a Preacher, still we all have times when things don’t go like they should.
I know you probably know that the Messiah loves you so much that He died for you.
Sure it is tough without a job and someone you love with another person, but my friend life does goes on.
When times get back you pray and ask HIM to help you and HE will.
Stay in touch and I will be praying for you. Bro. Doc
1-800-273-8255 (1-800-273-TALK)
1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE)
Just in case you reach that edge and need someone to talk to. Normal to feel like a burden in these times but you’re very right about the beauty in this world and everyone being capable of helping others. You always have the potential to contribute and make a difference for someone else, so never ever feel like the world is better off without you. If anything, it would be worse for having lost someone so thoughtful.
You don’t know me…and I don’t know you. But I know that you were put
on this earth for a reason and it wasn’t to give up.
Keep fighting
.
You’ll pull through. I do understand exactly how you feel though. You
feel like you’re drowning and no one is holding out a hand to pull you
back out.
Things get better
…Life changes….sometimes for the
worse…sometimes for the better. But I know you are worth living on
this planet. You are worth every breath you draw in. Keep living…if
not for anyone but yourself.
Praying for you. Keep up the positive thoughts. If possible, stop thinking about suicide all together. Never give up.
So sorry to hear of the bad time you are going through. But I am also glad to see how strong you are at moment to talk about suicide.
this is the best top blog I’ve read in a long time…hang in there…they say suicide takes courage but I don’t think so…I think it’s a cowards way out and I don’t know any cowardly wolves.
An old friend once told me, “The time to stop wading through the shit is not while you’re still in the middle of it”.
Always much easier said than done, but I wonder: Is it at all feasible to get over the horizon to a place where there are jobs available? Maybe to a place where you’re known and have contacts who might be able to help out? I’m a big believer in running away from any problem that can’t follow.
Suicide is a choice, yeah it might affect other people. But death is inescapable. I should be allowed to choose when and how I die, my life shouldn’t be taken from me.
hmn, it’s been said you shouldn’t…good. I’m curious to whether you even in a lesser moment of empowerment would still see the logic and scope in this cliche – beauty is only skin deep. I ask because sure it is beautiful to have spouses children who want and need us, money, trappings or otherwise ability to do things for others like say even drive a truck load over or carpool someone about …. but that is just shallow things of little meaning in that our value lies elsewhere even in the ugliness of meaning…true meaning that we live even in the harder times to show grace under pressures so others do not lose their hope. or maybe in the face of great challenge our dignities of our possible very lives are held in question by others…be that beliefs we hold of a religious nature about right and wrong or secularly whether we of some group are disccriminated against… thus showing again strength of will to peacefully in strength not fight it in damn thises but joyously or silently disagreeing that we will under the worst of times prove of ourselves we are….whatever we think that is…or i should say are convinced of. I’m just curious if you would in a moment of lesser empowerment might grant this to possibly be true. I too felt it would somehow matter i did this or that and would thus get this or that and boy howdy did i get it…not what i wanted as in I worked to be stable and carry my own share at least and thought that would matter to obtaining an acme instance spouse and all i got was 3 days of boo hoo and no sleep as she bounced to another she wanted and worked for all along and atop that it looks like the round of trying afterwords is going to fail too as in the magic is damping down and the time says the best of the bloom is fading and still i sit broke and seemingly no closer….and add a spectre of health concerns that … you surely get the howlingly funny for anyone but me tales of oh boy am i getting it- full in the face i get to fight the fight that says i count when i too want to show the shallow stuff like hey lookie at this from my walmart pluck it off the shelf life going sooo smooooooooth. not that you give a crap about hugs as most of us guys are like you’d better be a good looking woman… but here anyways is that sentiment in guy form a beer. join me on the porch looking out to see if’n we get a pretty sunset or somethin and that the beer is good… such things are inexpensive enough and obtainable. good luck finding again that center where it is quite alllllright by you and you still can do whatever it is you wish…
I’m glad you took the time to write your blog and express your feelings. Some people never understand what can actually drive a person to feel that way, I’m happy you never made that final step and recognize that this too will pass. Sending lots of prayers and good thoughts for things to get better.
You deserve happiness, and I know it will return to you.
Hello. I randomly came across your blog as I was browsing. I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time. While life is certainly complicated, the one thing i have learned is that it goes on.
I am happy to hear that although you have thought about it, you won’t ever seriously consider doing it. We should always remember – someone didn’t wake up today, didn’t come home last night, and be thankful that we have another day, good or bad, happy or sad.I think you are courageous for even writing this. I’ve gone through some low points in life too and it is hard to not feel despair.
I reached the same conclusion when considering suicide – it is simply too selfish of an act. The loss of one person can traumatize the lives of many, and like you said, bad times will pass.
I am a 26 year old daughter. My pops is approaching 60. No, I don’t NEED him to survive anymore, but I still need him because he is my father. The thought of losing him to old age is horrifying enough… but to think if he were in your shoes, and I came to find out that he had been harboring such great depression and didn’t seek any real help – that would be absolutely devastating. I wouldn’t want him to continue suffering emotionally, but I would be selfish enough to ask him to try for me.
NOTHING is so awful that you can’t pull yourself up and out of it. I may be young, but I’ve survived an eating disorder and drug addiction. I used to think that dying would be better than living as well… I almost gave up on myself, more than once. BUT I asked for help and I’m turning my life around. The view from the other side is so much better. Give yourself the opportunity and permission to live and love again. EVERYONE deserves that much.
My fiancee of 3 years dumped me for a drug lord. You read that correctly – a drug lord. Imagine that! Boy, was I devastated!
Time heals all wounds, of course, and even though I am not completely over her, I am starting to see some progress.
When
I get really lonely and depressed, I start doing community service
work. People really appreciate the help of an older, wiser, more mature
man. It just sets the mood and I kind of like it. I recommend that you
get going to a place where you can start volunteering… and you may end
up like my friend, who was offered a full-time job at the place he
volunteered at!
You never know where life will take you. I’m glad you’re here
A person who self harms or takes the odd decision to try and end the crappy situation they find themselves in is entitled to do so. You are not them and never will be and will not ever understand.
{{{HUGS TIGHTLY}}}
wow, you must have gone through such a hard time.. i can only wish the best for you
Know you are not alone in feeling this way. I advise you to talk to your doctor about antidepressants. Glad it is only negative feelings and you know them to be false. I got some meds when my father died and it really helped. I was told by my sister who went through a hurtful divorce that it is like a death without seeing that person disappear completely. I wish you well. And will pray for you. Judi
Please hang in there, bad times don’t last forever. You’re a strong person and I know you’ll be able to pick up the pieces and create a better life.
@Wemustcreate - btw, this is lovejennyy
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I wish you strength, courage, and a way to find your own purpose and meaning to your own life for your own fulfillment. Hugs.
I had a very busy past week with work and, also, illness. I’m so sorry I missed this post.
I’m so sorry things have been so tough for you lately. 
I hope you are okay. Please hang on and around…you are needed in this world and here on Xanga! Your wisdom, love, kindness and support is needed and felt by many people! Thank you for always being a caring soul!
You are in my thoughts and prayers!
HUGS!!!
Know your own value; if you haven’t figure that out, there are a few ways to do so.
For instance, go volunteering. You have a lot of time on your hand, and little responsibility. Go help in the soup kitchen, clean up the city, build homes. Use whatever skillset / talent you have. You will feel life is more precious, and others will depend on you, and you are truly a worthwhile member to society. You will also build network (maybe find some friends, and possibly employment), and expand your horizon.
Otherwise, you will focus solely on yourself and be more depressed.
I’m glad you didn’t – but I’m sorry you’re having these thoughts. that last paragraph is wonderful though, you should write that on a piece of paper and stick it on your ceiling so it is the first thing you see when you wake up and the last thing you see before you go to sleep!